How to Escape the Comparison Trap

We’ve all been there.

Staring into the gap between where we are and the ideal we imagine we could or should be, sizing up that difference and deciding we are far, far away.

Seeing all the ways we are too much of something or not enough of something else. Too old, too young, too loud, too introverted, not pretty (or handsome) enough, not unique enough, not thin, wealthy, special, or good enough.

All the ways we are not that envisioned ideal. Where this is NOT that.

I *might* have started this post approximately 32 times and had just about scrapped the whole thing because it wasn’t perfect.

Maybe it’s just me, but it doesn’t matter how many times it’s happened – how many times I’ve had an idea or created something that really mattered to me and immediately turned around, full of the sparkly new promise of a possibility, only to run smack into NOT THAT – I still don’t expect it.

Some people call it the “comparision trap.”

I call it the trap of “not that.”

It can look like this: (hypothetically, of course)

“I’m going to be healthy and fit!”

Day 1: This is definitely NOT a fit body.
Day 2: Still not a fit body. And I don’t want broccoli. I want bread.
Day 3: I’m doing this! %&^$ this is hard!! What was I thinking??
Day 4: My whole body hurts. I need to rest.
Day 5: Yeah, no.

or

“I’m going to master my schedule and bring more balance to my life.”

Day 1: Wait… %&^$! I missed a meeting.
Day 2: I didn’t get through even half of what I planned.
Day 3: I need more time. Why didn’t I do this last week??
Day 4: Balance needs to wait until I can get on top of what already isn’t finished.
Day 5: I’m exhausted.

It might not even take five days before the light of that shiny new possibility is hidden under a pile of %&^$ and “not that,” and it’s back to business as usual.

Best case, it’s a struggle. Worst – you simply give up.

But there is a way out.

Next time you find yourself caught in the comparison trap, try walking yourself through these points. (This is exactly what I do, every time.)

Remind yourself:

• Whenever we create anything, we’re interrupting what’s already there. Habits, routines, brain patterns. This brand spankin’ new possibility, no matter how shiny and wonderful, is a change. It’s an intrusion. It’s disruptive.
• Human beings really, really don’t like change. We will find all sorts of ways to pull for what is familiar – even if that means more struggle. The struggle we know how to deal with is always preferable to the one we’re not certain about.
• I can keep struggling with what’s familiar or I can risk stepping into something new.
• Creating anything new immediately has you see everything that isn’t aligned with or doesn’t match what you’ve created. This is actually good news (although it might not feel like it.)
• The access to fulfilling what you created is always leaning INTO what’s not that and one step at a time, doing the work to shift what’s not that into what IS that.
• Implementing anything new is rarely (if ever) smooth. It’s messy, unpredictable, challenging, and can make you want to quit. Often. Don’t.

This isn’t the post I planned to write. There’s no perfectly tied up in a bow solution to never getting stuck in comparison games. Far as I can tell, that’s a part of being human.

We get stuck. And we can stay there, or we can walk our way out. It may not look perfect – but maybe letting go of thinking it *should* look any particular way is a start.

Maybe writing an imperfect post about the messiness of going after something that matters is a start.

Maybe continuing to take imperfect, even awkward steps forward is what actually matters.

Either way, here’s my wish for you:

I hope you dream big enough that the “not that” is a little scary…

I hope you lean into fulfilling those dreams and make mistakes and messes and do it imperfectly – and most importantly, I hope you discover that you are so much more than you thought.

Here’s to you and your messy, imperfect, big dreams.

xoxo, Kathy